There are many ways of making love
Which one of them is the best?
Some folks whisper it with music gaily
Other people strum it on the Ukulele
But as music or a moon's required
Not the ballroom's fleeting bliss
With the girl just trot to a nice quiet spot
And the dead sure time is this.

Chorus: Tell her the old, old story on a dark and stormy night
Tell her the old, old story when there is no bright moonlight
You've gotta getta girl all nervy when her heart is all topsy-turvy
You'll win through and properly too if you do, I'm telling you
You'll be in your glory on a dark and stormy night
She'll hold on tight and you'll be alright
Let it hail or snow or whistle and blow
She'll hang on to you, and she'll never let go
If you tell her the old, old story on a dark and stormy night.

There's no harm at all except the arm
You've got around the lady's waist
She's so comforted she won't get windy
Though' the weather's kicking up an awful shindy
Sailors love to have a real rough night
And they've got no fear of fogs
Be like them, don't care, take the girl somewhere
If it's raining 'cats and dogs'.

Chorus: Same as before but extra lines seven and eight go :-

'Midst the lightning's flash and the thunder's roar
Like Oliver Twist she will holler for more

Though the air's ice cold and ready to freeze
She'll kiss like an angel on your bony knees

On your manly chest just cuddle her warm
She's yours for a certainty after the storm

And she won't cry 'help' however you clutch
There's no one about so it won't matter much

Though the pelting rain is making her cough
She'll hope all the same it'll never leave off

All the while you kiss she's nothing to fear
And you'll get a 'plonker' nobody can hear

Though she's drenched right through you won't see a frown
She wouldn't much care if the heavens came down

You can hear in fancy, wedding bells chime
You're booked for a christening in a year's time

You can spoon for hours; she won't want to roam,
She'll never say, 'Show me the way to go home'

Try the cave man's way of getting a wife
Bite on her neck and she's yours for life

If the trees all shake she'll never look black
Though' wet caterpillars are tickling her back.
Performed by Hetty King (1883-1972)
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