(A poet once said that anything that was so foolish that it couldn't be said had ought to be sung. Therefore we will be philosophical and foolish at the same moment)

Ever since I came from college
My philosophy and knowledge
Have always been supposed to be the best
For I study in my attic
With a zeal that's most emphatic
When everybody else has gone to rest
I've prepared a simple version
From the Hebrew and the Persian
Of proverbs that would suit the modern view
And especially of the ladies?
For if mistresses or maidies?
They're the very queerest things we ever knew
That's philosophy, philosoph-osoph-osoph-osoph-osophy
Says the fellow that is married
'What's the good of being booked
It's only giving half your grub to get the other cooked'
That's philosophy

(I'm married myself. Before I was married I was miserable. Now I wish I was dead. I married a telephone girl. I used to court her through the telephone. I'd say 'Hello' to her, and then she'd say 'Hello' back to me. That is, when we were courting. We're married now, and she doesn't say 'Hello' anymore. She reverses it. She says 'Oh... Never mind. Never mind'. One thing I never could understand about women. You take bright, brilliant, brainy, beautiful women and they fall in love with great big, husky brutes of men. And they give them their hearts. Give them their hearts! Why, a butcher wouldn't trust the same man with a pound of liver! Another thing I never could understand about women. Take two women - one with a baby - one without. Each one is sorry for the other. Why is it? I don't know.)

If you're watching a procession
With a watch in your possession
You see a crowd of people coming past
If the gang get any thicker
Keep your hand upon your ticker
Remember that the time is flying fast
If you enter a cathedral
And you sit down on a needle
With a force that knocks your nerves clean out of joint
In a passion don't be starting
Reflect while you are smarting
That there's nothing like coming to the point
That's philosophy, philosoph-osoph-osoph-osoph-osophy
Why do girls upon their faces all the paint and powder smack?
Why because you couldn't see it if they put it on their back
That's philosophy.
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