Matilda in the parlour sat alone one night
She was dreaming of her lover by the gas light bright
All at once her dream was shattered by a loud 'rat tat'
Then she heard familiar feet upon the front door mat
'Ah, it's Marmeduke,' she murmured, as she quickly rose
Grabbed the powder puff and rubbed it on her sweet young nose
Gave her hair a final twist, then she met him with a smile
And they started on the usual, but she noticed all the while...

There was something on his mind, and Matilda was inclined
To believe his love for her was on the wane
He was worried, that was clear,
So she said, 'Look here my dear,
Your behaviour's very funny - please explain
Has your love for me grown less?
If it has, Sir, please confess
'Not at all' he said, the maiden held her breath
'The fact is I put on new woollen underclothes today
And I feel I'd like to scratch myself to death.'

Farmer Turmut with his missus up to London went
And when they'd seen the Abbey and the Monument
And St Paul's and Piccadilly, then he said 'Bah gum
We mun go and pay a visit to the Mu-se-um
So they went and saw the wonders that are there on view
Ancient pottery, the mummies, and the statues too
Then they went and had some tea, - Mrs Turmut thought it nice
But she couldn' get a word from her old man at any price.

There was something on his mind. Perhaps the farmer pined
To be back again amongst the pigs and cows
'Very likely' thought his wife, 'Being used to country life
He's upset in London's never ending rows'
All at once he gave a glare, and he said, 'Well oi declare
Oi don't understand it, dang oi if oi do
If that marble statue, Venus, is like wummin ought to look
Well, bah gum, old gel, they made a mess o' you!'
Written and composed by Fred W. Leigh & George Le Brunn
Performed by Marie Lloyd (1870-1922)
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