There's Wheeler's and there's Wilcox and Singer's machine
But although I mention all these names, it's none of them I mean
The one I call attention to is Thomas's Machine
My wife begged me to buy her one, of course which I could do
I loved her and I bought her one but oh, that act I rue
For ever since we've had such rows and such disgraceful scenes
And all through buying one of Mister Thomas's Machines.
Chorus: Oh, Mister Thomas if my agony you'd seen
You'd be sorry you invented that wonderful machine
For my peace and happiness has never been serene
Since my Mary Jane began to work at Thomas's Machine.
No sooner had I bought it than to work she did begin
And all day long I had to hear that horrid whirring din
I gently reprimanded her and told my Mary Jane
If I heard that noise too often, it would surely turn my brain
You must know that I'm an author, and by writing make my bread
And to write well you want silence, and a cool collected head
So as any noise disturbed me, you can understand my spleen
When I had to write and listen to the whirr of that machine.
Chorus:
Af first I swore a little swear, and then I swore a big
And then I jumped about with rage and almost danced a jig
But it never had the least effect, she worked away like steam
Sometimes she'd do a flounce or tucker and then she'd do a seam
A feeling the reverse of love, almost akin to hate
At last came o'er me, and I said, 'My love we'll separate
'I'll take my books and papers to some spot calm and serene
Where I can't be annoyed by Mr Thomas's Machine.
Chorus:
It's two months since I left her, and I certainly must say
I regret the cause exceedingly that made me go away
So mind you all take warning now, by what you've heard and seen
And don't be over-anxious for a Thomas's Machine
For if it hadn't been for that , my wife would even now
Be residing with her husband, and we'd ne'er have had a row
And I never should have purchased it, if this I had foreseen
So you see that I have cause to hate a Thomas's Machine.
Chorus:
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