I'm one of those enchanting youths that any day you'll meet
Say, simply lounging in the Row or doing Regent Street
I'm not overstocked with cash or brains but that don't matter much
I always look distinguee with my toothpick and my crutch.

Chorus: Toothpick and Crutch, Toothpick and Crutch
Lisping a Lingo that sounds double-dutch
Eye glass in eye, toddling along
Yes, I'm the hero of 'toothpick and crutch'.

I never think of rising till the streets are nicely aired
For what some folks call exercise this infant never cared
And oft when bent on S and B I toddle to my club
I see the horrid common men who haunt the nearest pub.


At night to the Criterion and Gaiety I go
And all the pretty barmaids at those gay resorts I know
The little darlings say that I'm a prize they'd like to clutch
I've slain them all completely with my toothpick and crutch.


Those vulgar comic papers do their best to drive me mad
They call me empty-headed, idle, spoony and a cad
But what they know about such things I wonder very much
It's a glorious institution is the toothpick and crutch.

Written and composed by T. L. Clay & Alfred Lee - 1879
Performed by Alfred Vance - aka The Great Vance (1839-1888)
Crutch and Toothpick - A crutch was a handled walking stick and the toothpick is refering to a gold toothpick that fops used to wear as a form of jewelry, so the tight trousered, crutch sticks and gold toothpick characters were dubbed the 'Crutch and Toothpick' brigade.
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