I'm quite a hypochondriac - in aches and pains I revel
In sampling patent medicines they say I'm quite a devil...
A lady doctor I call on, for hours we sit and chatter
She simply takes my pulse like this -and tells me what's the matter
Each ache and pain at once departs - as soon as my physician starts.

Chorus: Touching that little affair, touching that little affair
She holds my wrists and watches me
And my pulse goes up to ninety-three
Leave off, Gertrude, I'm better I do declare
Directly the lady doctor starts,
Touching that little affair.

I don't say I'm a ruffian - but at a rough and tumble
And with a man just half my size it's odds upon 'your humble'
At biting lumps off policemen's legsI must say I've a weakness
And on that charge the other day I stood before the beak-ness
The slop upon the case enlarged - the magistrate said, 'You're charged with,

Chorus: Touching that little affair, touching that little affair
Policemen's noses, you must know,
Are not for such as you to blow
You've not hurt him? Well, you've done your share
A couple of quid or else a month,
For touching his little affair.

In truth I am a married man - although I may not look it
I saw the opportunity and one dark night I took it
Her dowry was one thousand pounds, a mere 'tut tut', a trouble
It was not money, I'd have wed her if it had been double
The day arrived the guests had flown, said I, 'Now we are alone

Chorus: 'Touching that little affair, touching that little affair
Don't you try to squeal or squirm
I shall be delicate, but firm
I'm not greedy - I only want my share
So bring me the thousand quidlets now,
Touching that little affair.

I courted once a charming girl, and I was fairly smitten
She used to play about with me - as if I was a kitten
Her father was a massive brute - a regular eighteen stoner
And I'd tell this fleshy mass - That I desired to own her
I screwed my courage up to there and said with a nonchant air,

Chorus: 'Touching that little affair, touching that little affair
Your daughter I desire to wed,
And I've got the furniture - and - chairs.'
Then the old man began to rave and swear
And very soon the toe of his boot
Was touching that little affair.

Performed by George Robey (1869-1954)
From Music Hall Lyrics Collection
More George Robey
home spaceA spaceB spaceC spaceD spaceE spaceF spaceG spaceH spaceI spaceJ spaceK spaceL spaceM spaceN spaceO spaceP spaceQ spaceR spaceS spaceT spaceU spaceV spaceW spaceX spaceY spaceZ