I always was a man who liked his clothes to be a fit,
I never wear my garments tight for fear they'll bust or split,
To make these pants a decent pair, my tailor I beseeched
But when he sent them home, last week, upon my soul they reached,
Upto here,

Upto here, (indicate shoulder) Upto here!
With that tailor I felt just a bit severe
Sent 'em back to get 'em shrunk.
But the blessed snip was drunk,
Look how he's sent 'em home now,
Up to here! (indicate up to knee)

I Used to wonder how it was that men could take on drink,
And turn their gully-holes into a sort of little sink,
I always was each day from the first hour that I rose,
The pink of strict sobriety, right from my very toes,
Upto here,

Upto here, (indicate forehead) Upto here!
Till I learned the way to shift a glass of beer,
Now I've altered, so to speak,
And well, seven times a week!
I roll home, absolutely, upto here. (indicate mouth)

'Twas in the prime of summertime, one morning calm and sweet,
Some pals of mine were wobbling in the briny sea, a treat!
And didn't swim, I watched their clothes, and sat down by some caves,
But, lor! you should have seen my pals, with all the blooming waves,
Upto here,

Upto here, (indicate overhead) Upto here! (indicate higher)
And they didn't seem to have a bit of fear,
They began to laugh at me,
Well, then I went in the sea,
Took off my boots and dived in,
Upto here. (indicate ankles)

The girl that lives next door has charmed this giddy heart of mine,
She's what they call a something in the military line.
There's one thing I will say of her, she never drinks or flirts,
And she's so modest week-day that, she only holds her skirts,
Upto here,

Upto here! Upto here!
Well she's got holes in her stockings, pretty dear,
But on Sundays all a don,
When she's got her 'railways' on,
Well then you ought to see 'em,
Upto here!

Written and composed by J.P. Harrington & Harry Randall - 1893
Performed by Harry Randall (1857-1932)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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