My name is Alphonse Picot, I have come to Angleterre,
One day I take ze trip,
On board ze Channel ship
A young chap ask me to ze lunch, he wear a festive air
He is one awful swanks
I murmer 'Merci thanks.'
We haf ze wine at one and nine, I pay his bill and mine.
Voila! ze steamer,
I love ze rolling sea!
But later sur ma vie
It roll too much for me.
So much he roll
I up ze pole,
My feet go all one bunch.
I gaze into
Ze ocean blue
Voila! ze lunch.

I 'ave un grand ambition to be what you call ze knut.
I wear ze bow-bow socks,
With loudly striking clocks.
I learn to drink ze lemon dash and say, 'Eh what tut-tut'
I take ze evening out,
My weight I chick about.
I am ze knut one of ze boys
That night I make a noise.
Voila!Bon Vivant!
A voice he cried 'Time please'
I my room reach with ease
Upon my hands and knees.
I'm in a trance,
Ze bed it dance,
My eyes I hardly shut.
When I awake
Ma head he ache,
Voila! ze Nut.

I long to be ze sportsman so I buy ze blooming kit.
I take ze shooting box,
I long to shoot ze fox,
Ze birds zey nevaire will sit still so not a thing I hit,
And zen one of the knuts
Say 'Practice at ze butts.'
He say my triumph will be full
If I can hit ze bull.
Voila! ze shooting
To find a bull I vow,
At last I meet a cow,
His sistaire any-how.
I take ze aim,
Pouf! Bang! ze flame,
Ze trigger I have pull,
Ze cow is dead
Zey break my head,
Voila! ze bull.

Un jour I meet Une Belle Anglaise ze girl who passed me by
She 'ave such saucy clothes
Wiz powder on ze nose
Her skirt it is tres 'obble she is glad in both her eye
She smile and say, 'Bon jour'
''Ave we not met before?'
I say, 'Oui oui,' zat is 'No no.'
Don't mention it 'What ho!'
Voila! ze lady,
She 'ave ze golden hair
She fill me with despair
My love I zen declaire
She sweet, she stay
And let me pay
For Johnnie Walker Scotch
When she depart
I feel my heart
Voila! No watch.
Written and composed by Clifford Grey & T.C. Sterndale - 1915
Performed by Wilson James (b. 1872)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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