I'm supposed to be dead
Yes and buried, long ago, so the papers have said
I was stoney, wanted money
My Pal said 'Sid,
You're insured, make it out
You're defunct,' and I did.
Chorus: But keep it as quiet as you can
Not a word, musn't shout
I'm going for the insurance now
And I'm frightened it might get about.
Wait a minute, half a minute
At a doctor's street door
I went cadging for these trousers, and a lady I saw
I said, 'Missus, has the doctor
Any old pants today.'
She handed me a bundle
And I shouted 'Hooray'.
Chorus: Keep it as quiet as you can
Not a word, musn't shout
Why she was the doctor herself
And I'm frightened it might get about.
Wait a minute, half a minute
When a chimney fell down
I'd a contract to rebuild it along with old patsy Brown
On the morning it was finished
Old Patsy somehow
Fell right down the chimney
He's sticking there now.
Chorus: But keep it as quiet as you can
Not a word, musn't shout
They're wondering why their chimney smokes
And I'm frightened it might get about.
Wait a minute, half a minute
On a big Lord's estate
All the nobles they were shooting and at night when it's late
With a musket full of powder
And tin tacks and nails
I was shooting the pheasants
Or the partridges and quails.
Chorus: But keep it as quiet as you can
Not a word, musn't shout
I fired at the birds on tiptoe
I was frightened it might get about.
Wait a minute, half a minute
Our gas bill was sick
With a pick-ax and a shovel I was in the yard quick
Started digging, struck at something
Was it gas pipe or drain?
Broke it open, heard a rattle
And out pops a train!
Chorus: But keep it as quiet as you can
Not a word, musn't shout
I'm going for the insurance now
I'd dug up the Shepherds Bush 'Tube'
And I'm frightened it might get about.
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