A woman's a bundle of trouble
Just look at that bundle of mine...
We've been married just on a twelve month
One year, it feels like ninety-nine
She's jealous of my manly beauty
She's a serpent and knows how to sting
She's as strong as a bull and she beat me
The day I played kiss in the ring.

Chorus: We'd a party at our house
We kissed the girls bedad
No wanted to kiss the wife
And she went raving mad
'Cos I kissed Lizzie Brown
She threw me on the floor
Then she charged with a pole
My favourite mole
And punctured my early door.

I lay in the hospital six-months
Yes, six months of illness and pain
But now I'm at home with the missus
I wish I was back there again
The frist day I came home she told me
I'd been carrying on with a nurse
She accused me of kissing and fondlijng
And then she accused me of worse.

Chorus: We'd a party at our house
As a kind of welcome home
I'd invited the nurse to come
We were seated all alone
Then my wife jumped on me
She weighs just twenty stone
Then she threw the armchair
At the nurse and missed her
But it broke my funny-bone.

Then my missus said she would leave me
And I said that I wished that she would
She cried and said I couldn't mean it
And I cried and said that I could
She sent for her mother to come round
And she sent for her big brother too
He's a fighter and wanted to fight me
I said, 'No, 'cos I'm only a Jew.'

Chorus: We'd a party at our house
To arrange our married life
I was to live alone with me
And my wife live with my wife
I played the button game
My fidgets made them frown
When my wife and her Aunt said,
'Leave home' I said, 'Can't,
My trousers are coming down.'

Performed by Jack Pleasants (1874-1924)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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