My pal was telling me today about his lady love
He said her eyes were just as bright as stars that shine above
'She's lots of money too,' he said, 'I've been and bought the ring.'
I said, 'I wish you luck old boy, but just tell me one thing,

Refrain: What is your sweethearts name?
This girl you say is so fine
He said, 'Her name's Miss Fish.'
I said, 'Miss Fish, I must drop her a line.'

One day while riding in a car a lady got inside
She had a baby in her arms and to keep it quiet she tried
The guard came in with tickets, but the lady made him stare
She handed him a sovereign for a simple penny fare.

Refrain: He looked at her and said
'Is that your smallest, dear?'
She kissed the kid and shyly said
'Yes, I've only been married a year.'

I saw a tramp the other day, just like a silly ass
Kneel down in our front garden and commence to eat the grass
I said, 'Why do you eat the grass?' 'It's hunger, Sir,' he said
'It's all I ever get to eat, alas I can't buy bread.'

Refrain: In my pocket then I dived
And said with a generous air
'Here's the key, go round to the back
The grass is much longer there.'

I went in the asylum once the funny sights to see
It is a sight to see the funny things those 'loonies' do
A fellow with a wheel-barrow looked at me with a frown
I noticed that he was pushing that wheel-barrow upside down

Refrain: I said, 'Your barrow's wrong way up.'
He said, 'I know that's true
I can wheel it turned the right way up
But they'll fill it with bricks if I do.'
Performed by Wilkie Bard (1874-1944)
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