You've heard about the man whose face was brown as any bun
Because he dreamt he'd been asleep beneath the blazing sun
Some people don't believe it, but I think it must be true
For instance, once I dreamt I was a monkey in the Zoo.

Refrain: And when I woke up in the morning
Maria she said to me,
'I don't know what you've been dreaming about
But you have been tickling me.'

At half a dozen pubs, one night, I made a friendly call
And, too fatigued to go to bed, I slumberd in the hall
I dreamt I broke into a shop where furniture they sell
I stole a lot of oilcloth and furniture as well.

Refrain: And when I woke up in the morning
Well, the truth must be confessed
I'd got the oilocloth round my legs
And the hatstand on my chest.

Two friends of mine got married on the other afternoon,
They came and stopped at our place to spend their honeymoon.
I didn't get to 'bye-bye' till the clock was striking three,
And dreamt that I was Peeping Tom who lived in Coventry.

Refrain: And when I woke up in the morning
Straight, I wouldn't tell you a lie
I found myself outside their door
With a keyhole in my eye.

I do some silly things at times through absent-mindedness
I had a bad attack of it one night, I must confess
I hardly like to tell you of it, still, I can't deny
I dreamt I was a pair of trousers hanging out to dry.

Refrain: And when I woke up in the morning,
I discovered then and there,
I'd put my trousers in the bed,
And hung myself over the chair.

My doctor ordered me to spend a week beside the main
So off I went to Dover by the London-Chatham train
I caught the train at ten P.M. and drowsy, it appears
I dreamt I was the man who went to sleep for twenty years.

Refrain: And when I woke up in the morning
And I wanted to leave the train
They said, 'We haven't started yet
You can go to sleep again.'

Some nights ago I chanced to be not far from Regent Street
And I studied all the charms which in that thoroughfare you meet
At last one of them smiled at me, and slyly winked her eye
Then said 'Pip Pip,' to me, so I said 'Pip Pip' in reply.

Refrain: And when I woke up in the morning
And I turned me round in bed
It suddenly dawned upon me that
'Pip Pip' was all I said.

Last Summer on my holidays I tried to act the swell
And thought I'd stop, for just one night, inside the best hotel
Said they, 'We're full, but on the billiard table you can sleep.'
That suited me alright, you see, I wanted something cheap.

Refrain: And when I woke up in the morning
I could not help feeling sour
The charge for using the billiard table
Was half-a-crown an hour.

Written, composed and performed by Sam Mayo (1875-1938) - 1904
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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